This is a question that has been coming up around me a lot lately, and always by women (men might wonder it too, but they know better than to say it!). In some ways it has been cool since my youth for a girl to say she just “gets” guys better, that she’s a tomboy, that hanging with girls “freaks her out.” But the women I am interacting with now are not trying to act cool. They’re actually hurt and confused by behavior that they see as distinct to their gender.
Examples of “what’s wrong with women” include their proclivities for the following:
*Gossip
*Pettiness
*Fakeness in groups
*Fickle friendships
*Competitiveness amongst each other
I hear about these issues both within the church and among my unchurched friends. They seem to be rampant. And it’s got me wondering, is there something innately wrong with my gender? Are we just geared to cause problems for each other, to compete with each other, to hurt each other? Is that how God made us?
And then I decide, rather quickly, NO!
The issues I have presented as being distinctly female also exist in the male population but I do believe they are more prominent among women. This is NOT because we are genetically wired to be petty, competitive back-biters. Rather, it is because, despite all of our progress, women are still insecure in their standing in our society. This is due to the sort of systemic sexism of which most men are totally unaware and may even refuse to acknowledge. Sure, we can vote. We can get divorced. We can (in theory) apply for jobs without being afraid that we will be denied employment strictly based on our gender. These overt forms of sexism have largely been remedied (notice I didn’t mention the wage difference between men and women. That’s a whole other issue). But covert sexism remains. And it messes women up!
One of the most tragic forms of covert sexism is the fact that women in positions of power or success are generally forced to be representatives of their gender. For example, a male CEO of a major company is simply called, “The CEO,” whereas a female CEO is generally referred to as “The CEO, who’s a woman,” or “The lady CEO.” If they mess up, their gender will quite probably be brought up (in private situations) as part of the issue. This reality sets all of us on edge just a bit.
Similarly, there are just an enormous amount of unfair stereotypes of how women behave, work, communicate. Some women believe these things about other women (even if they know they’re not true of themselves), and by doing so CREATE the very stereotypical behavior! This is certainly true of the list above. If women expect other women, say, in the work place to play by that list, they are going to behave very differently than they would if they thought the other women would most likely be kind, supportive and professional. We believe it and we make it happen.
And finally, much of this comes down to expectations. Because women in America are essentially not allowed (by societal norms) to be direct about what they want, overtly aggressive in pursuing it, and energized when they succeed. Such behavior usually elicits name calling (usually a very specific name) and resentment from both genders. This means women have to figure out more creative, less honest, sneakier ways to pursue their dreams. And sneakiness leads to insecurity which leads to pettiness which lends itself rather easily to meanness.
I am just touching this issue and I’m sure there are some parts I have not articulated very clearly. But I will say this with confidence: If we allow women to be honest, open, and straightforward without bringing their gender into the situation, we will help alleviate a lot of our very bad habits. How we allow this is subtle and yet difficult. The presidential race with Hillary Clinton blew me away regarding this issue. We as a nation are so bad about allowing strong, articulate, intelligent women to simply be persons, not dykes or bi$%*es or dominatrixes, or some other word that points out how unnatural we find unbridled strength in the form of a female. Most of it needs to start with our minds and our mouths.
To close, I’d like to tell you about how my friend, Kelsi, and I are helping each other work on a habit that seems pretty harmless. We are attempting to stop referring to co-ed or female groups of people as “guys.” You know, you walk into a room of both men and women and you say, “Hey guys, what are you up to?” Totally harmless on the surface (and the intent), yet it helps to reinforce the assumption that men are neutral and women are other. After all, you would never walk into a group of both genders and say “What’s up, gals?” That would be so rude! But why?
Sexism remains a reality. It may no longer be in the law books. It may be frowned upon in polite company. But it has permeated so many aspects of our lives that we simply breathe it in like air. And it’s poisoning women.
