Yesterday I was talking to a couple of wonderful older-than-me Christians and the subject turned to faith. Both of them shared that, with the exception of a few dark weeks here and there, neither had ever questioned their faith in God. To me this was shocking and I asked them to explain more, thinking that perhaps ours was a difference in semantics. But at the end they held their ground and insisted that they had never doubted the existence of their God.

Now, obviously, this is awesome, beautiful, remarkable. But it also got me thinking about how doubt has played an integral role in my spiritual journey.
So, while I never want to invalidate the stories of these remarkable lifelong saints, I would like to talk a little bit about what doubt means to me, in my life.

Doubt is the force that drives me to the feet of Jesus. If this journey was easy to walk, I would simply walk it, head held high, in triumph. But it is not easy, at least not for me. All the questions, the frustrations, the dark times are what humble me and draw me to Him. In some ways, doubt is how I define my faith. For I don’t have faith in the existence of trees. They simply are. I see them, touch them. I don’t have to believe in them or have faith in them because I KNOW that they are there. But the invisible God requires faith and faith, from my limited perspective, seems only possible when there is reason to doubt.

I’m reading Kierkegaard’s Fear and Trembling right now and he explains this rather well. His understanding was that, before one can become a person of faith, they must become a person of resignation. Before we can take hold of the spiritual mysteries, we have to relinquish any hope of really getting anything, of really understanding anything. That is my experience. When my faith is the strongest, the highest, it is not because God has necessarily proven Himself to me (Because, really, is there ever undeniable, unexplainable proof? Is there?) but when I find myself, despite all external detractors, believing. And that is the miracle! That is the greatest proof, that despite my inclinations, He and I continue to hold on to one another for dear life.